Rules for proper bathroom stall selection

To minimize exposure to psychologically damaging sights, sounds and smells, please follow these basic rules next time you’re in a public restroom. Obviously this only applies to restrooms in which three or more stalls are available.

• If all the stalls are empty, it’s your lucky day. Choose whichever you like. However, if you want to be extra considerate and forward-thinking, try to pick one that eliminates forcing someone else to sit next to you. A rush can happen at any time (say, like at 1:45 p.m.). For example, if there are three stalls, pick either the one on the far left or far right. If there are more, choose a stall that allows others to be at least one stall away from you on either side. This may involve utilizing basic math skills. Note: picking the stall next to the wall is almost always a smart move.

• When you enter the bathroom and one of the stalls is occupied, under no circumstances do you take the stall next to it. This is highly rude and inconsiderate behavior – bordering on criminal violation. This may mean you don’t get your preferred or favorite stall. Deal with it.

• If you enter the bathroom and multiple stalls are occupied, that’s when it gets tricky.  The objective is to choose a stall that has no one on either side of it. If one is available, you’ve dodged a bullet and your choice is made for you. If more than one is available, try to be smart and still employ the rules above as much as possible.

When everyone follows these simple guidelines, the law of averages says you should rarely be put into a situation where you’re the Noxious Neighbor, or one is forced upon you. But unfortunately, even though these rules seem like common sense, many people fail to follow them. Equally unfortunate, even when everyone does, sometimes crowding situations are unavoidable (chili day at the cafeteria, for example). Here are additional rules to help you when there’s no way to avoid sitting next to someone.

• If you enter the restroom and the stalls are occupied in such a way that you have no choice but to sit directly next to another person, weigh your options and see if you can come back later — once the crowd has cleared out. Remember: if you can continue to bear it, no need to share it.

• Sometimes situations arise when there is no way to avoid having a neighbor (sometimes two), and you can’t wait. Everyone has been there, and we understand. But remember, your new neighbor will only be sympathetic if you had no choice but to take the stall next to him or her. When this happens, please try to be quick, quiet and considerate. Frequent throat clearing and courtesy flushes are encouraged.

The overall goal of these rules is to make sure everyone enjoys his or her restroom time to the fullest — as well as avoid awkward encounters at the sink. Please feel free to disseminate this information, as well as do your best to comply. Thank you.

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